In this return of our Would You Rather series, we explore some confronting relationship dilemmas.

Would you rather discover your partner had a passionate year-long affair you never knew about, or have them come to you beforehand and ask for permission to pursue the exact same connection openly?

Would you choose the greatest romantic and sexual connection of your life if it only lasted two years, or a loving and stable partnership that never quite feels like your deepest connection?

Along the way, we unpack honesty, consent, infidelity, desire, long-term partnership, non-monogamy, family stability, and the complicated ethical questions that emerge when real life collides with our ideals.

Evolving Love Links:

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I have lost track of how many times curious women have finished their glasses of wine, and then asked me if non-monogamy is a threat to my marriage. Their skepticism is understandable, and they cannot help their curiosity. Whenever I hear this question, memories flash before my eyes of all of the incredible and erotic and connective moments that my husband and I would have missed out on together if we chose not to take ‘the risk’.

There are risks to many meaningful paths in life, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we should avoid those risks, and risk missing out on the life that calls us.

For me, the riskier relationship structure is monogamy.

Not because there is anything wrong with it, but when looking at it through my perspective, the structure of monogamy is inherently weak. The confines of monogamy are simply too flimsy to hold us and our marriage. Sure, my husband and I ‘could’ be monogamous, but it would come at the cost of turning a light off to a world of shared adventure, personal freedoms, and experiences that are specific to non-monogamy.

The very notion of ‘this is the only person that I will ever be with again’, does not sound ‘special’ or appealing to me, instead it feels like a cage enclosing in on my sexual self. Not because I am wild, or have a million lovers or am addicted to dating, but simply because it is not a philosophy that resonates with me.

With non-monogamy working so well for us for over 13 years now, I don’t have any interest in taking the risk of trying monogamy.

A monogamous relationship where two people fully focus their sexual expression solely onto one another would have me slowly walking towards an abyss, potentially void of eroticism. The over-familiarity of building a life with someone and being so intensely tied together without any external sexual energy feels unsexy.

Not because of the physicality of ‘the sex’ but because of the mental closing down of compersion and the many fun, imaginative psychological games that my husband and I love to play with one another. Games that thrive off the fact that we are non-monogamous.

The story of the couple that are in a sexless, unimaginative marriage is so common in our society, it is almost expected that that is the way that a marriage will eventually be? It is the common trope in endless movies. It is the social norm, and whilst some people put it down to a lack of connection due to the kids and the business of life, which of course is an influencing factor for certain life chapters, perhaps it might also be the structure of the relationship that drains any sense of wonder and adventure? Of course I want security in my marriage, but I believe that we can also not be woefully indifferent to our spouse in the meantime. Where is the space for desire to grow when you know everything about one another? Taking one another for granted is not skipped over so easily in non-monogamy.

An aspect of non-monogamy that I love is that my husband is his own erotic being. It is his freedom that turns me on. It is my freedom that turns him on. Him having his own sexual agency sparks my desire to chase him. Even though I know that he is ‘mine’ in so many ways, not fully owning him drives me crazy. It’s the basic law of eroticism. The taboo of us allowing one another these freedoms feeds right into our attractions for one another. Desire, ‘hindered’ by an obstacle ( not owning one another) creates eroticism.

The fact that I cannot fully own his erotic story, drives me crazy, in the hottest way. Desiring my husband like this does not diminish our relationship, or steal from our ‘specialness’. If anything, we feel more connected because we get to build our commitment and marriage from the ground up. Our love and connection has not been prebuilt by the social norms that move around us.

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Sitting alongside my lightly sceptical views of monogamy also exists the reality that if my husband asked for us to go back to monogamy, I would. Non-monogamy is such a joyful part of who he is, so much so that for him to want to stop being non-monogamous would be telling of deeper issues that were at play. Him asking for monogamy would be a symptom of something else, and perhaps that ‘something else’ might be an internal change. But for me, to stand by him through that change is what a committed relationship is about. Ultimately, it is not about the structure. It is about evolving together as we change and grow and age.

My relationship with Liam and our family comes first. Before monogamy or non-monogamy. The relationship structure is secondary to us and what we both need. It is about care and love. After so many years of being open, if my husband wanted to be closed, I would listen to his reasons and adjust for him.

Dan Savage speaks of ‘the price of admission’ in long term relationships, and for me, closing our relationship would be a ‘no brainer’ price to pay to witness life by my husband’s side. If we were ever to be monogamous, it could only ever be a conscious choice because of who we are and how we live our lives. Our monogamy would hold many considered reasons beyond a default.

Imagining my husband wanting to be monogamous would be such a shock, almost like losing him to a cult. His cheeky, flirtatious and wickedly smart nature thrives in our non-monogamous relationship. Our endless compersive texts and decade long ‘in jokes’ with one another are part of the fabric that make us- ‘us’. Who would my husband be if he was monogamous?

Who would I be?

The mere thought of him declaring monogamy presents a type of unknown that I would prefer not to meet, but would show up for if our circumstances changed. Simply because I love him, in the deepest way that someone loves ‘their person’.

Change might be inevitable, but in the meantime, we will continue to blast one another with our compersive messages and take pleasure in the reality that we still don’t fully own one another’s sexual self.

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The other day, a man who I have known for a long time made the observation that I am not naturally submissive. Not because I am ‘bad’ at submission, but because of who I am outside of the dynamic that he and I share. His ability to see me, outside of his own experience of me and beyond the dynamic that we have made me hungry for more of his thoughts on me. Of course I knew he was right.

The truth is that whilst I will submit and love being submissive,

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We also unpack the difference between infatuation, limerence and lasting love. We share stories about dating separately for the first time, navigating intense emotional connections with other partners, and learning how openness and honesty helped us move through those experiences together instead of apart. We talk about the “new relationship energy” that can feel all-consuming, the fears it can trigger, and why emotional transparency became so important for us.

More than anything, this conversation became an exploration of what love actually means.

Can loving another person threaten an existing relationship, or can it deepen your understanding of connection, choice and commitment?

Evolving Love Links:

Website | Instagram | Substack | Youtube | Retreat

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Evolving Love Retreat

Friday 18th Sept - Sunday 20th Sept 2026

Yass Valley, New South Wales, Australia

In 2026, the Evolving Love Retreat opens to all.

Whether you’re in a couple, throuple, or exploring solo, this retreat is for you.

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We talk about the difference between healthy admiration and narcissistic validation, why modern social media increasingly rewards performative vulnerability, and whether non-monogamy exposes narcissism more clearly… or simply gets blamed for dynamics that exist everywhere.

Evolving Love Links:

Website | Instagram | Substack | Youtube | Retreat

Dive Deeper

Evolving Love Retreat

Friday 18th Sept - Sunday 20th Sept 2026

Yass Valley, New South Wales, Australia

In 2026, the Evolving Love Retreat opens to all.

Whether you’re in a couple, throuple, or exploring solo, this retreat is for you.

Find Out More

The judgement of me being non-monogamous bores me.

I have even come to expect it. It is the judgement or social ostracism that I have felt in other aspects of my life that I am more interested in.

Last night Liam and I took our son to a lecture called ‘Should portraiture be a competition?’ at the National Portrait Gallery of Australia, held by one of the judges from ABC’s Australian Portrait Artist Of The Year - Robert Wellington. Our son was bringing the age demographic down by decades, and I couldn’t help but notice that Liam and I were too. Which begs the question- where are the younger people?

Why are younger people not hungry to attend this type of discussion?

Watching a reality tv show that judged art sparked many conversations in our family that explored the intentions and ethics of this central question. If we are all unique and individual, should we ever compare ourselves to one another?

Whilst we can calmly state with a gentle smile, that we are all unique, there can be a very human urge to indulge in competition. Whether or not we believe that art should be competitive, there is no denying that competitions get bums on seats and people in galleries. After all, we all want to see who the winner was and dissect why they should, or should not have won.

So what is the ultimate expression of creative success? And what about comparisons in the world of non-monogamy? Or friendships in general? Even if we understand on an intellectual level that we should never compare ourselves to one another, when it comes to metamours, or the lovers of our lover, it can be quite normal that comparisons come up.

I was recently judged online again after we appeared on a national TV show, “Insight” on SBS. But the truth is that I have no concern when being judged by the masses in this way. Their judgement is not about me personally, it is more about how hearing about non-monogamy makes them feel in that very moment. The people who leave me horrible comments do not know me, therefore their comments are not actually about me at all. The comments are about their perception of me through their own perspectives.

Like the participants on ABC Portrait Artist of the year, whenever we are on national TV, we knew that there will be judgement. If I couldn’t handle being judged or criticised, I wouldn’t have gone on national TV to speak about compersion and why we chose not to conform to monogamy.

People can enjoy judging someone who is doing well, especially in Australia where Tall Poppy syndrome is incredibly real. Punching up is common place. Australians love an underdog, or an ‘up and comer’. We love those who are ‘giving it a crack’. But what about those who don’t just give it a go- but actually find inner and external success from their hard work? In Australia, that is when people can go silent. Friends will easily show up when times are challenging, but when things are going well… crickets. Silence.

Tall Poppy in Australia is fuelled by a belief that since we are such a small country, there are not enough opportunities to go around for everyone. People hold onto their spaces tightly - highly threatened by who else is in that space. Tall Poppy is a shameful aspect of Australian culture, and so I was glad to hear another speaker talk about it on Insight SBS. Being from Brazil, where there was massive support for members of the community when they did well, she was shocked by the Tall Poppy culture here in Australia.

So what does Tall Poppy syndrome look like?

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It isn’t always negative words, but it can present as silence or friends stepping away. Invites and contact can cease. Jealousy and punishment for a friend’s success can live in the subtle, social ostracism.

To me, the show of a genuine friendship, is when your friends are not only there for you in the bad times, but they are there for you in the good times. There is a mutual celebration of one another. They sing your praises when you are not in the room. And if your success is painful to them, they can communicate that whilst not vanishing out of your life. My friend Amie Mcnee has written extensively on the reality that when we share our creativity with the world, it can be a reminder to those around us that they have not shared their own creativity, and that can be painful.

It is a human instinct to step away from pain, and so stepping away from people who shine bright is understandable. Feelings of ‘why them and not me’ can be felt.

I’ve had many of my own experiences with Tall Poppy syndrome, from different perspective and sides of the story. One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I did not attend the honours recitals of my friends from university.

Watching them shine was too painful for me to witness as I wished that I was also in my honours year. My own pain stopped me from showing up and supporting my friends.

Celebrating their success was a mirror of my own difficulties at the time, and I couldn’t get past myself to celebrate their hard work and success. But what I did do was own my insecurity and communicate that with them. Yet even so, I was still too self-centred and caught up with my own creative grief to celebrate those who I loved. When I hear of Tall Poppy in friendships, I believe that this is the pain that rots at it’s core.

Having been on many sides of differing experiences is what helps to make things less personally painful when I am on the other rejection side of this friendship exchange. And over the years, especially since writing and podcasting and achieving what it was that I wanted to achieve which was to help normalise non-monogamy, I have had people quite literally vanish out of my life.

Not because of a judgement with non-monogamy, but because I took the step to actually make something.

Not because I think of myself as a great writer, but because I was actually brave enough to not only write, but to share it with the world. People can be terrified to share their personal experiences and perspectives with the world, but have no problem with being an armchair expert in the comfort of their living room and echo chambers. It is safe to bitch, triangulate, and feel better than someone from the safety of our inner circle. But it isn’t ultimately rewarding.

At its core, it is rotten.

Some years ago I was friends with a writer. A woman whose experience and writing I had immense respect for. A woman who I believe to be a much stronger writer than myself, a true writer’s writer. She began a Substack a year or so after I started mine, and shared some incredible essays, essays that pulled me right into the breath and heartbeat of the experiences and people that she wrote about. I looked up to her as a writer.

But not long after starting her Substack - she stopped.

And so did our friendship.

There may have been other reasons why she no longer pursued a friendship with me, but a part of me wonders if it was my fierce motivation to continue on with sharing my writing was a painful mirror for her. I might not ever know, but I can only pull from my own life experiences as to why? Why did she let me go?

Whilst I understand that it is brave to live my truth and be open about being non-monogamous, the far braver thing that I have done was to start my substack back in 2022, before everyone had a substack and share my writing with anyone who wanted to read it. To actually share my own words is so brave, and I am so proud of myself for that. Of course there are stronger writers than me out there in the world, but the truth is that not everyone has the bravery to actually share what they write and create. Or if they do, they only share a handful times, before becoming disillusioned with the reality that consistency and hard work, even in the face of silence- is necessary to the creative experience.

The reality of being an artist or a writer who chooses to share their gifts with the world is that sometimes you will share something that you put hours and hours into, and you will get no acknowledgement of your work at all. I have personally had this experience many times, I have shared something that I was so proud of, only to receive a handful of likes. I have experienced that creative rejection, wondering if anyone even took the time to read it. But this in itself is part of the process. This is the turning point that weeds out the brave creatives from the ones who are actually too caught up on external validation. Giving it another go after nothing but silence is truly one of the bravest steps a creative can ever make.

Anyone can build up the courage to start something, but I have immense respect for those who stay with it, even when the hyper fixation has worn off. It is so much easier to pursue a new project in the early days when it flows with ease and we are surrounded by our cheerleading friends who are supporting us for ‘giving it a go’. The truth is that anyone can start anything. Especially these days, with Ai. But can people actually stick to something, especially in a time where our attention spans are being eaten away by fast moving reels. Time will tell.

As time goes by, I am less drawn to those who are starting something and am more interested in those who have been chugging along, for years at their practice. I am interested in their stories of how success impacted them in both positive and negative ways. Last year I met a woman at a retreat in the northern rivers who had achieved massive financial success on a global scale from her creativity. Whilst she has an incredible life, she shared with me that the reality of achieving her dreams meant losing many relationships, because those around her could not celebrate her. There was an undercurrent of resentment from those around her, probably with the belief that it could, or should have been them… why her?

To me, I know why she has done well on a scale that most people could never even dream of being possible. She stuck with her dream and believed in herself, and as a result, the opportunities unfolded for her. There are many reasons for why people ‘make it’, but I believe that sticking to your practice is at the core. Why should anyone believe in someone who isn’t grinding and giving it their absolute best?

This is what weeds out the truly devoted from those who are ultimately motivated by money and validation. To be a creative is to be rejected endless times. But to create anyway. It is to write an article that gets no likes - but to step up out of our embarrassment and write again next time. It is to know that every successful creative has had rejections and pains and moments of disbelief, but that they got over themselves and created again regardless. Because they need to. Because they are creatives. Because ultimately, it needs to be about the creation and not the external validation, which may or may not come.

Continuing to create - whether or not you ‘make it’, is the sign of a truly successful creative.

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We break it down into three parts, first looking at the reasons you probably shouldn’t open your relationship, signs you might be ready to start exploring, and finally we share what it feels like when you are ready to start exploring non-monogamy.

We explore the red flags, the green lights, and the deeper questions that reveal whether opening your relationship will expand your connection or expose what’s already not working.

Evolving Love Links:

Website | Instagram | Substack | Youtube | Retreat

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Evolving Love Retreat

Friday 18th Sept - Sunday 20th Sept 2026

Yass Valley, New South Wales, Australia

In 2026, the Evolving Love Retreat opens to all.

Whether you’re in a couple, throuple, or exploring solo, this retreat is for you.

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Today’s conversation is deeply personal for us and one that features a unique, open-minded and compassionate perspective from our guest.

We’re joined by Dr. Sandra Webster, an educational leader, former school principal across three different countries, and more recently the author of the book “Creating Family-School Partnerships”.

In this conversation, we explore what true inclusion looks like for families who don’t fit the traditional mould, how schools can better understand the reality of diverse home lives, and why partnership between parents and educators is essential.

We also dive into power, communication, and what it takes to create environments where every child and every family feel like they genuinely belong.

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In this episode, we reflect on what it has been like to take our relationship into the public eye after appearing on SBS’s Insight, where we spoke about jealousy, envy, and compersion. What followed was a flood of online commentary, much of it critical. We unpack what it feels like to have our relationship reduced to a two-minute clip and judged at scale, and we explore why people feel so certain in their opinions about something they don’t fully understand.

We explore how judgment is a natural human response, but how the way it’s expressed matters, and how much of what people say is actually a reflection of their own fears, experiences, or conditioning around relationships. We also share how we each process criticism differently, one of us feeling largely unaffected, the other needing to work through it more consciously. Through it all, we come back to what grounds us, our relationship, our values, and our sense of self, and why continuing to have these conversations publicly still feels important, even when it invites criticism.

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Evolving Love Retreat

Friday 18th Sept - Sunday 20th Sept 2026

Yass Valley, New South Wales, Australia

In 2026, the Evolving Love Retreat opens to all.

Whether you’re in a couple, throuple, or exploring solo, this retreat is for you.

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To be safely judged at a distance by strangers, is a worthy cost for living the life that I choose to live. In fact- it is this very judgement that satiates the rebel within me.

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The waiter shoots me a look of curiosity from across the bar as he pours our drinks. His curiosity pulls my lower back in as I sit up straight, suddenly aware of the jigsaw puzzle that he is piecing together in his mind.

He has me figured out. He recognised me. His look of curiosity momentarily flashes to one of judgement. A self conscious need to correct his assumptions comes over me, not for my sake, but for the sake of my husband.

Perhaps he thinks that we have broken up, and that I have wasted no time at all with ‘getting back out there’. But from the raise of his brows, I can only assume that he believes that I am having an affair. I look back at my lover, taking his hand, conscious to not let him see my momentary distraction in how the waitstaff are perceiving me.

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Looking at the tables around me, I wonder what they might think if they knew that I was married. They being the other patrons, people who I don’t even know. Would they all freeze at the same time and shake their heads at me like one collective mass of disappointment if they knew that I was married to someone else? Or is society now at the point where non-monogamy no longer raises an eyebrow? Is it still something to throw shade or judgement at? A part of me hopes so.

The parts of non-monogamy that cause me anxiety are also some of my favourite aspects of non-monogamy. To not be judged, in one way or another, would mean that I am living a socially accepted life, which doesn’t hit the same for me.

I like the strangeness of non-monogamy. I enjoy the weirdness of it - the taboo. The element of ‘wrong’ is what makes it feel so right for me. Yet, to live a life that is slightly ‘wrong’, I must sometimes drink the drinks from the bartender that can be bitter- not just from ingredients- but from an uninformed judgement.

Being at ease with the discomfort of being judged, is liberating. To rise up above it is part of the deepening into who I am and the deep acceptance that I have for myself. But being ok with another’s judgement, is not a permission slip for someone to be outwardly rude to me or my family. There is a difference. In this society, it is the reigning in of our judgements that allows for our differing beliefs to coexist in an attempt for harmony.

I am not free from judging others. I am not a saint, and of course I find myself having moments of judgement too. Not with ill intent, or in ways that are always symbolic of my own insecurities- but in the simplicity of witnessing others and making an internal evaluation of the situation. An example of my judgement is my dislike for people posting their children on their public social media pages, or using their children to promote their business in anyway that identifies the children. I don’t agree with it and I do judge a parent’s choice to do this. But it is not my place to be rude or call these people out. What they are doing might not even be ‘wrong’. It’s just not something that I agree with, and so when I see it, I have a moment of judging that specific choice. My judgement doesn’t trigger a part of me where I long to post photos of my child all over the internet and I am ‘projecting’ as a result. It’s just a straight up, difference in values. Can I still be friends with people who post their kids online? Sure. Are they still great parents? Yes. Do I need to agree with all of their choices? No.

Another judgement that comes up for me is when women are professional doulas or birth workers/ coaches but are yet to have a baby themselves. Every time I see this- I cringe. Not because I don’t think that the work is valid, but from my perspective- they are missing the key piece of life experience needed to support another woman through that experience- the transformational experience of birth itself. My judgement here feels very specific for doulas and birth coaches, not trained midwives or doctors. To me, the doula work is different. It is often the emotional support that they are offering, yet to me it is like someone guiding and hosting a psychedelic retreat in Peru who has never themselves touched psychedelics…

Lived experience, walking the path, speaking from a place of personal insight holds a lot of weight. When I was with my doula in my birthings hours, I pulled on her strength and believed her words, ‘I know what you are going through. I too have been in exactly where you are. You have got this. I believe in you.’ Her empathy, understanding and strength fuelled me as she had been through this life changing initiation herself. Her words steered my inner voice and gave me comfort, whilst my midwife held my physical safety.

Like jealousy, I try to interrogate my judgements and not take them as facts. They are my personal opinions that are mouldable and not fixed. They are also not an excuse to be cruel or project onto others, causing unnecessary conflict, they just are what they are and they are also subject to change.

The bartender can judge me all he likes. And I am allowed to feel an unease and even a rush of excitement from his judgement. If anything - his judgement is a safe, invisible wall that I consciously dismiss, allowing me to relish in the taboo from the choices that I make.

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Evolving Love Retreat

Friday 18th Sept - Sunday 20th Sept 2026

Yass Valley, New South Wales, Australia

In 2026, the Evolving Love Retreat opens to all.

Whether you’re in a couple, throuple, or exploring solo, this retreat is for you.

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Today’s conversation opens up a wider reflection on modern gender discourse and and whether some narratives unintentionally deepen the divide between men and women rather than bringing them together. We explore what it means to hold space for the realities of inequality while still imagining a future where men and women move forward in partnership rather than opposition, and discuss Married At First Sight, dating culture and explore the concept of arranged marriage.

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Evolving Love Retreat

Friday 18th Sept - Sunday 20th Sept 2026

Yass Valley, New South Wales, Australia

In 2026, the Evolving Love Retreat opens to all.

Whether you’re in a couple, throuple, or exploring solo, this retreat is for you.

Find Out More

Dear paid subscribers,

Today I am sharing in a slightly different style. It is a look into my diary and what is bubbling around in my mind and heart at the moment.

First thought - on lovers coming and going.

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In today’s episode we sit down with Fer from the Polycurious Podcast to unpack a story that began with a first date in New York and unfolded into a powerful lesson about jealousy, veto power, honesty, and growth.

We share openly about the moment Abbey felt triggered when Liam and Fer connected, how unspoken feelings led to a quiet veto, and what it took to circle back a year later with truth and repair. It’s a vulnerable look at what really happens inside non-monogamous relationships when values and emotions collide.

We also dive into Fer’s “Mono-Poly” relationship with her now fiancé Seth, a one-sided open relationship where she is non-monogamous and he is monogamous. From pacing opening up intentionally, to navigating jealousy without shame, to redefining compersion and “don’t ask, don’t tell,” this episode explores what relationship by design truly looks like.

Fer’s Links:

Instagram | Website | Polycurious Podcast w/ Seth

Evolving Love Retreat

Friday 18th Sept - Sunday 20th Sept 2026

Yass Valley, New South Wales, Australia

In 2026, the Evolving Love Retreat opens to all.

Whether you’re in a couple, throuple, or exploring solo, this retreat is for you.

Find Out More

There is an ignorant assumption that I must have a damaged relationship with my father.

Some people can be quick to assume that I am non-monogamous as a result of this imaginary damaged relationship.

Did I not get enough hugs as a child?

Am I looking for my dad in the men who I date?

Are non-monogamous people on an endless quest for the validation they never received when they were Children?

People who don’t understand non-monogamy can jump to reasons of childhood wounding as to why a person would choose to be non-monogamous. Surely something, somewhere, went wrong?

The truth is my dad and I are incredibly close. We always have been. During my teen years I wasn’t overly interested in spending too much time with him, but only because at that tender age I preferred to be in the company of my friends.

I am fortunate that my father has always been there for me, and not just in surface ways. He gives me advice when I ask for it, and meets me during times of difficulty, sharing from his own personal learnings. We have deep, philosophical conversations until late at night and have always shared a sense of humour and many in-jokes between us.

My dad is a deep dude. A big picture thinker. A curious person. Spiritual - in a natural, humble way. A rebel to his own upbringing.

My dad jokingly refers to himself as a ‘recovering Catholic’. Recovering from the cruel nuns who caned his hands when he tripped over his words due to his undiagnosed dyslexia. He was raised on purity culture rhetoric and was told that masturbation would make hair grow on his palms. Heaven and Hell were his options for the afterlife.

By the time my father was a teenager, he had dropped his belief in man-made religion, and instead chose to worship in the music of musicians whom he loved. Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, Jimi Hendrix, Cat Stevens, Jimmy Page, Neil Young, and others of that era spoke a spiritual language that drew my father in more than Catholicism ever had.

My father is a radically authentic person who does not hold a fake bone in his body. He is himself, always. Seeing him be himself has always been a gift to me.

Much to my father’s disapproval, I was christened a Catholic when I was a baby. My father refused to attend my christening, causing disappointment within his own family. When I look at the photos of my christening, I am proud of my father’s absence. I can also understand why my mother chose to have me christened. She was twenty four at the time and simply wanted to make a good impression with the in-laws. To her, there was no harm in having me christened.

Despite my father’s upbringing, he has created his own life. He is driven and hardworking and has perspective and a clear vision of what matters the most to him. His family. Time in nature. Reading. Reflecting. Rituals. Art. Humour. Connecting with animals. Caring for the environment. Helping people in anyway that he can, purely for their sake- not for a pat on the back. When I was 9, I remember my dad saying that it is always important to help people whenever, and in anyways that you can. But once you do, you stay quiet about it. Those who publicly pat themselves on the back after helping others can have questionable intentions. Would they be generous and kind if they had nobody to speak to after their moment of generosity? His strong example is why I cringe at empty virtual signalling.

When I read nasty comments from strangers online saying that my father must be ashamed of me, I genuinely have to stop myself from laughing. My father is deeply proud of me for having my own mind, and is a huge supporter of how I love, and my life and parenting choices. He truly knows us and sees us for who we are, not for how society might prefer for us to be.

When I told my dad that Liam and I were open, he smiled and said, ‘Well- you have always known your own mind. And that is something that I love about you.’

He cares about how we are going, and has met different partners of ours at social gatherings over the years. I often receive messages from my dad telling me that he just finished listening to an episode of our podcast and that he absolutely loved it. Being my father, he is more interested in our episodes where we interview other people, or when we discuss a topic about non-monogamy in more general terms. He turns it off if he feels that it is not a conversation that we would bring up with him over dinner, which I totally understand and appreciate. My dad doesn’t need to know everything to be a supportive parent. And at the end of the day- no matter how open minded my dad is- he is still my dad and I am still his daughter. He can be supportive without knowing absolutely everything.

Whilst I often turn to my dad for life advice, when it comes to non-monogamy, I seek advice or wisdom from other people in my life. Not because he couldn’t handle it, but because he doesn’t need to. I have no interest in causing him any unnecessary stress. My father is deeply attached to Liam and me as a couple and he wouldn’t want anything or anyone to get in the way of our relationship. He is also a very monogamous person, and doesn’t bring any lived experience to those conversations. Yet, even though he is monogamous, he has strong emotional intelligence and sees that non-monogamy is not something that threatens mine and Liam’s bond.

I don’t know if my father had envisioned that his one and only child, would not be able to conform to a life of monogamy, but I know that he is not surprised that Liam and I have carved our own path. My dad unpacked his Catholicism as a teenager, and as a result he raised me to question the norms around me.

By being the rebel in his family, he gave me permission to be a rebel too. He also gave me permission to be ok with people’s disagreement in who I am. He gave me permission to drop the need to please everyone at the cost of my own sense of self.

My dad is deeply proud of me, and I am proud of him. It wouldn’t matter if I was gay or straight, or poly or non-binary. As long as I am safe. As long as I am happy. As long as I am a good, kind person who prioritises my family and lives a life with a strong, internal ethical compass.

So no, my dad is not ashamed of me. He is proud beyond belief.

When I reflect on my journey this far, I know it is his pride and unconditional love for me that holds space for the way I choose to live and love.

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In 2026, the Evolving Love Retreat opens to all.

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Today we are joined by the “Peri Godmother”, Australian TV Journalist Shelly Horton who has written the book “I’m Your Peri Godmother: A happily ever after guide to kicking perimenopause in the ovaries.”

With a 30+ year media career spanning ABC, Channel Seven, Fairfax Media and ET America, Shelly has appeared weekly on Channel Nine’s TODAY and TODAY EXTRA for over a decade and is also the founder of ShellShocked Media.

In this episode Shelly shares deeply from her own experience with peri. It is humorous, at times heartbreaking, uplifting and a conversation that we all need to be having.

Shelly Horton’s Links:

Instagram | Website | Shelly’s Book

In a few months I turn 38, or ‘pushing 40’ as my mother said to me recently.

This isn’t an insult to me, it is truth. Ageing is not frightening to me. When my brown hair began to turn grey at the age of sixteen, I started to foil it blonde to make the regrowth less noticeable. During Covid, in 2020, I stopped colouring my hair altogether, allowing for my silver strands to grow free and become part of my look. But alongside these surface level signs of ageing, there are real shifts happening deep within us all.

Whilst I am not yet in perimenopause, I am aware that it will be knocking on my door soon. I don’t have any major physiological symptoms, but I can already feel subtle changes within my emotional myself. People pleasing is dropping. Intuition seems to be sharpening, accompanied by periods of brain fog. Any self conscious defaults that I have had, seem to be slipping further away. I feel like I am deepening into myself whilst also not feeling quite like myself anymore. Symptoms of change are slowly emerging.

As someone who writes about relationships through the lens of non-monogamy, what do these hormonal changes have to do with relationships or non-monogamy? To me, they have everything to do with almost every aspect of my life- especially my marriage and relationships.

In my experience, the biggest element that weighs in on, and impacts my marriage isn’t non-monogamy, or jealousy, or shared parenthood. It has always been my hormones and the veil that they cast over my ever shifting perspective. How something lands on me one week, could land on me very differently the week after. The intersection of relationships and hormonal health is an ever evolving dance.

When people make vows to one another, promising to stand together through the ‘good times and bad’, what does that actually mean? I always wonder what comes to mind for people? When young couples marry in their twenties, do they have any awareness as to the real changes that can happen throughout the course of their marriage?

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Many women have limited understanding of perimenopause until they find themselves blindly wading deeper into new hormonal waters without proper support or understanding.

All of a sudden they feel off, depressed, disconnected, and with a need to overhaul their entire life. Sometimes the overhaul is needed, but I often wonder if at other times it might be from complete internal overwhelm.

A few months ago I found myself in conversation with a man who was shocked to hear that Liam and I plan our life, to the best of our ability, around my hormonal cycle. “But you can’t plan your life around your feelings?” He said, genuinely confused by the impracticality of our choice. Of course we cannot plan our entire life around my cycle, but we do what we can, and for us, it makes the world of difference. Being aware of energy levels, social capacity, need for quiet time with no unnecessary opportunities for conflict or distress makes our relationship a more peaceful experience.

When we were in the wedding season during our twenties, and the Calendar was filled with weddings, there was always talk of rings and venues and romance and proposals. Nobody ever brought up perimenopause, or what to do if one person feels tempted to have an affair. Everything was always focussed on the romance, the love story, the parade of it all. Yet, years later, and perhaps right on schedule, many marriages begin to crumble.

Is it ‘til death do us part’, or ‘til peri doth arrive’ ?

For Liam and I, my hormones are not my issue. They are ‘our’ issue. It has always been Liam and I, with my hormones being an external factor that we both have to work with. Because to us, that is what sharing a life together means. Being in it together. As someone who suffers from PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), we do not blindly wade into post ovulation oestrogen drop. We sculpt our life to be slightly softer.

One of the many things that I love about my husband is in the way that he whole heartedly shows up for me, by showing up for himself. It’s in the way that he is proactive with his interest in me as a person and as a woman. He is curious about my internal experience, and is aware of the differences that we have. Liam, of his own accord, has tracked my hormone cycle for the last 14 years so as to help us both, because him doing so helps the health of our relationship. Managing my hormones is not something that I have to cope with alone.

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Last year Liam went to a talk on perimenopause so that HE could learn more about what was in store, for me and for us. He found out about it, and organised for himself to attend. In a room of 50-60 women, Liam was one of two men who attended.

When people express to me that they are interested in exploring non-monogamy, I am always interested in how invested they are in the bigger, unsexier aspects of their relationship and knowing one another. Yes there is growth in the sexual exploration, and a person can learn and expand and deepen in moments of excited curiosity, but only following pleasure ‘for growth’ can be like skipping dinner for dessert.

If a man wants to explore non-monogamy with his female partner but has no awareness of his partner’s hormones and the influence that they yield, it shows a lack of emotional intelligence. When viewing life, love and relationship as a living, breathing, cyclical, changing and deepening experience with knowledge of how hormones can sway and influence, then non-monogamy is something that can be held more safely within a relationship.

The difference between Liam and I exploring non-monogamy during my luteal phase and my follicular phase are wildly different. If we first opened up our relationship whilst I was luteal- we would still be monogamous to this day.

I am yet to be fully aware of what perimenopause has in store for me, but in the meantime Liam and I are doing all that we can to prepare and beware of the changes from an emotional and physiological viewpoint, together. Because to us- that’s what building a life with someone entails. Preparation without negative anticipation.

Choosing to not be naive and to look into the face of inevitable change is foundational to us, and the shared path of life that we are walking deeper into - together.

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We also explore the practical and emotional realities of these dynamics: how to talk to a partner about it, what makes someone a good Bull, where things can go wrong, and why communication, enthusiasm, and enthusiastic consent are non-negotiable.

Evolving Love Links:

Website | Instagram | Substack | Youtube

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I watched as my boyfriend dove under the waves, turning to smile at me each time he came up for air, gesturing for me to join him. “In a moment”, I sang out to him as the cool breeze hit my face. I knew that I wouldn’t be joining him in the water. I also knew that this might be our last time away together.

I had been avoiding the inevitable that we were not compatible. I could feel that he experienced me in a vacuum of ‘us’, with my marriage buried somewhere. An abstract in the depths of his consciousness. I could no longer ignore this truth and I could feel him feigning his comfort even though he said the right things. It wasn’t about the words anymore, it was about what I knew in my body. He wanted me for himself, in a way that was going to leave him in pain. Even after all of the conversations about being on the same page- I knew that hurt would lay before us.

“Oh, come on- it’s beautiful.” He called out.

How did I get here? I wondered as I stood up, dusting the sand from my backside, gesturing that I was cold and wouldn’t be joining him. As he made his way out of the water towards me, I took a photo of him in my mind, forever capturing the face of a man who would soon live only in memories.

-

Something felt off.

Liam, my husband, tried to be supportive of our connection, but struggled to shake the feeling that there would be issues down the road. Whilst I rode the high of our new connection, I felt uneasy too. Not wanting to acknowledge my resistance, I allowed for my attraction to drown out my inner voice.

As warnings from my husband gently began to surface, I refused to recognise them.

“I really like the guy, but he isn’t non-monogamous. He is just wanting to explore this because he is into you. He doesn’t intuitively get any of this.’’ My husband would tell me.

“But he is doing so well AND he has another girlfriend now.” I said defiantly in defence of my boyfriend.

“No, Abbey. He has landed on his feet in this polyamorous situation because he is with you. If you were out of the picture, he would close his other relationship down almost immediately. I’m sure of it. And even though he technically has another partner, he seems to be monogamous in how he is with you. You are also not being your usual open self. It’s as if you are in two, separate, closed relationships.”

My husband was right. I had gently pulled away from my other pre-existing connections, and I wasn’t interested in exploring non-monogamous dynamics with my husband for fear of hurting my boyfriend’s feelings.

He was comfortable with me being with my husband, but not other lovers.

How did I get here?

Note: To continue reading and see more photos from this shoot, consider supporting my work and becoming a paid subscriber.

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In today’s episode we talk about entering midlife without the stereotype of a meltdown. We explore nostalgia for past versions of ourselves, tenderness for who we’re becoming, and how aging changes desire, ambition, creativity, and intimacy. We talk about perimenopause, slowing down, recalibrating expectations, and what it means to grow older together without panic or denial.

Evolving Love Links:

Website | Instagram | Substack | Youtube

Resources From Episode:

Tangentially Speaking Podcast ft. Chris Ryan & Liam

From Strength To Strength - Arthur C. Brooks

Imperfects Podcast - Why Does Life Feel Harder at 40?

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